im too harsh...

Today i suppose to wake up at 6.15am and need to morning call ahboy.
But i went back to sleep and forgotten.
At 6.27am ahboy called me, and i woke up.
As mention from ahboy we went to amk for flag day.
I dont think its a waste of money. Its a good deed anyway.
Everyone was late, and we rushed like crazy.
Indeed im pretty bored.
Under the hot sun, only 5 people there.
They warm up, i thought they gonna start, so wanting to take pictures, then i get to realise i "lost" my SD card.
I was upset, i was angry, i was unhappy, i was moody..
Ahboy see me feeling so moodless, he went off himself to find my SD card while he's so tired after warming up and jumping around.

Then he came back, i know he's tired.
His leg hurts.
But it breaks my heart more.
Suffering from his illness, still has to wake up so early for me just to accomapany me during flag day.
Im a DAMN BITCH.
Just warming up at clarke quay, then did some moves, but doesnt seems like anybody is watching as there are no ppl around at all..
After that he accomapanied me a while, and off they go to do their stuff for donations.
It started to rain, and i was wondering what would they do..
I was worried about ahboy's illness.
He's sick, he still had to go under the rain.
The rain starting to get bigger and bigger.
Thunders and lighting.
I was being splash by the rains, and as compare to all the parkour ppl is nothing.
But my mind was worried and thinking of ahboy.
Waited and waited.
He's still not back.
Saw many couples, girls were scare by thunder, the guys hold the hands of the girls, but all i had was waiting there being scare looking at the lightnings and slowly get numb to it.
Felt so tired, felt so sick.
Headache, shoulders aching, legs muscle and bones are killing me.
Feel like sleeping but theres no way for me to sleep.
My nerves are feeling uncomfortable.
Moodless looking at couples around and other have ppl to talk. And im alone there for hours.
Not only during this time, but almost the whole evening.
Although he did accompanied me a while..
Planned to wait for ahboy to come back and bring him to dinner and eat medicine and go home.
I waited and waited and waited.
I thought he will say something nice and sweet to me, and i can care and look after him in front of his bros.
Finally he's back. I feel a sudden happy.
Before i open my mouth, he ask me whether i want to go home.

Before he even came back, around 7pm my mother called me, ask me to reach home before 8pm with a fierce voice.
But i told her that i will be having dinner with frenz and then 8plus go home.
I was excited of having dinner together.
Just like ytd, knowing ahboy sick and cold, i bought a big bowl of ban mian and he loves the warmness of the soup. And seems like feeling better.

But after what he say, i dont know whats wrong with me..
I got a little pissed off.
I just walked away..
Ignoring everyone.
He chased behind me, he hold my hands, i know i love it, but i just feel hurt in my heart.
I dont know what to say so i just kept quiet.
I let go of his hand, and walk quickly into the mrt without even turning back.
I scare i cant take it and i will drop my tears.
In the mrt, i keep quiet.
No mood talk no mood sms, no mood.
Everything totally no mood.
He text me, idk what to reply.
I dont know he did so much for me.
I went back home, even he's being sweet to me, but i text and talked everything so harshly.

My heart sudden pain.
I cant breathe properly.
I went to toilet, my tears flowing down my cheeks.
I felt so pain, i cried.
Without sound, hiding in the toilet.
I'm really pain. First time.. Really first time..
Before i started to bathe, i saw his message telling me he's at the mall touring around just to see me because he wanted to see me badly..
He told me he at the ocbc entrance adding a smile in the message, but i talked to harshly, and i hurt him.
I mention something then i shouldnt have said, then he text me again.
This time round, idk how to reply, neither i know what to say.
After eating my burger, then i know ahboy will sure do some blogging.
And i rushed to on the com, and saw this post.

"Half way thru, I lie to my mates that Im sick and quickly rush to hougang hoping to see her. I text piglet, she was damn angry and sad. I started to doubt myself tat I maybe I can't bring her happiness."

I know i had hurt him..

"I don't know wat i did, i dunno how i made her cry. I feel really sad. My hp went out of battery and i went home. I can't believe, i crying now..."

I know i'm too harsh and i feel like a bitch now making him to drop his tears. He was the first guy who ever drop his tears for me.

"reach home ler, I quickly charge hp hoping for a reply but it was a disappointment."

This was when i dont know what to reply..

"I tried my best to make her happy. I can wait up to 2hrs for her to get ready, I even fetch her from sch and sent her back home. Everyday we met up, I always sent her home. I tried to entertain her but i guess i wasn't good enough."

He's sacrificing, he done all his best to wake up and accompany me everyday, met me almost everyday.

"Im afraid she find me boring. Gonna stop now, im going to bathe, I will wait for the day that she forgive me."

To Ahboy:
You are not boring.
You are the best.
You always been there for me whenever i needed u.
You worried for me since the first day we met.
You worried even more when we stead.
You never complain anything.
Maybe i should be more understanding.
Maybe i should be more loving and caring and being sweet.
Knowing that i'm fat, not a sweet and caring girl.
My tears drop again when i type this.
My heart really hurts.
Even though my body aching, headache, leg muscle and bones hurting, eyes pain but i cant feel anything now as my heart feels more pain.
You shouldnt drop your tears for me at all.
You are always worried about others, why dont u takecare of yourself.
I dont know what i should do.
Having 5 relationship failure, i dont know whats gone wrong.
I know i bad tempered and having attitude problem, but im trying to control and change.
I need time..

I dont know why.. I worried for you, but yet i cant message u caring for you. Just got so attitude. Even for now.. Maybe i still feel abit pain, maybe we shouldnt meet for the time being. Is there really anything for us to continue talking and play like last time?

Still having pain...

Ahboy, if u dont want to take care of yourself, and always thinking for others, no matter how much i do, u will only hurt me even more and this sour our relationship..

Would love u even more than you ahboy, signing off and sleeping now, Jolene piglet aka Xavier Ahboy's laopo