If u want to go.. then go..

Today suppose to be a happy day.
But i doubt so now..
It's my turn to blog.
Due to my fking busy time, and tomorrow i going for check up, therefore i could on the com for some blogging.


Right at this moment, im thinking what i'm suppose to write.
Now before i start my writing for the day, i just thinking that..
I've been honest and true to everything i say.
I got anything i will say out, even who message me i also say.
But some people just dont want to say.
Behind me do things wait till i ask then force to admit?
Maybe i'm just a bitch who ties people and didnt realise?
What have i done wrong?


Nvm, straight to the point. Talk about today.


His sis didnt want me to go there today.
She wanted him to help her out as promised.
I didnt know anything till we met up.
If i know i wouldnt have meet him.
Cos i myself hate people to break promise, when someone promise to do something.


After that we met at compass.
Not i understanding, just that i want to simply get out of that place and quickly meet u.


So what i got top in chinese oral for both classes?
If O lvl is not up to that standard?

I bought lunch, i'm hungry.
Chicken rice was nice but exp.
And realise my wallet  was left with no money.


Went to his house. Too hungry, mayb got gastric.
I feel all pain on my body.
Really hurts.
But doesnt matter.
Slack till 6.30 and went off to plaza for ashton for dinner.


Alot of people look at me.
For fuck?
I'm a ailen?
LOLS?!


Went to 2nd floor to have dessert.
Another 5dollars is gone.
But nvm...





"I may say some remarks but it was all passing remarks and I didn't mean it at all."
To me everything means something.
Cos i want to do everything someone ask me to do.
I know i'm not perfect, i dont have nice figure, i dont have wonderful looks, i dont have inner beauty.
I'm bad tempered, i have attitude problem.
I'm not sweet, i'm not gentle. I'm not up to your expectations either. 

I went home.
We sms-ed.
My leg hurts, my body hurts, my headache hurts.
Everything just came popping out.
Not that i eat i feel unhappy, not that i eat i feel that i'm wasting money.
Neither i feel any of this, is just..
Nvm..
 
"I feel very gao wei when i know ppl skips their meal all the time. Cos i damn scared that they might faint cos they nvr eat."
I know when i should eat, i wont torture myself, neither letting myself to faint.

I didnt know growing fat is such mental torturing for her.
I say i dont mind being fat. People started laughing and say i fat, i just let it be..
I treat it as they all joking.
But do i really mean it?
Whatever i eat doesnt seems to make me grow fatter until i suffered from diabetics for 6years.
It wasnt fun..
My mentally has more or less been affected although i keep saying i dont mind being fat and having this illness..

"Maybe i shouldn't have expectation at all since she can stead with me without any expectation. "
Now, finally i know that..
Actually being with you, theres still expectations..
For 28days, now then i know that between us there's this "EXPECTATION" going on..
Seriously, i never expect much..
People say i bitch say i slut, but actually i'm like a dog..
People need to have expectations to get me.
How stupid and innocent i can get now..
 
"I know im fucking ugly but time and time again, i always tell ppl tat im cute blah blah to make myself feel better."
You really think i go for looks.?
If this is what kind of love that i'm looking for, i'm sure i wont stead with you.
Telling myself that i fat nvm, cos someone will be there loving me even though i fat, u think i feels good?
 
"Im happy enough that someone like her is willing to stead with someone ugly like me and didn't complain about my looks."
What the fk u are talking about.
Do you know what the hell u are talking about?
So u saying i stead i go for looks?
So u saying u are ugly and i despo need stead so i just grab and stead with you?
Do u know u are not only insulting yourself but me?

"I didn't know she is suffering so much from me just asking her to take proper meals."
Its not suffering, just that u dont understand.
Forget it. I dont know how to explain further.
"I may say i go for looks, figure all the time but seriously, I don't. It was all just words, I didn't meant them. I don't understand her enough."
Every word someone says do mean something.
Every word comes from the heart, therefore words do mean something.
First time, mayb is merely joking..
Second time, a little serious and wondering about it.
Third time, many many times, things become true and serious because only what comes out from your heart is your mouth..
"I shouldn't expect anything from her anymore. It was wrong of me to do so. I feel so guiilty making her spent so much money. Tmr we are not meeting"
Means u are expecting something from me.
Why not just tell me about it..
If is like that, why did u jio me and stead with me..
Why?
I spend is my problem, u dont have to blame yourself.
Cos i have to saving conception.


After that, arguments occurred..
After looking at one sms, i dont know what to reply.
After i went to bathe, one message came..
Telling me, done blog.
After i bathe finish, i went to see the blog...
I really think, what have i done..
I really dont understand whats going on...
I dont understand that actually there's so many imperfection between us.
I was wondering if we start isit even correct...
Will we last long..?

3 more days to first month..
Nothing seems to come out, no action..

Havent even one month already so many things have come out..

Are we really suit for each other?

Am i not caring and gentle enough.

Am i fking fat?

I do not know..

I'm in pain.. 

Gonna go check up tomorrow.

I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm dropping every tears since the starting of this blog has been started typing.
I dont know what i should do.
I saw people flirting you, and i still have to act as if i dont care and nothing happen.
Body pain, leg hurts.

But what hurts me most is your "expectations" and my heart.

Nvm i know what i should do already...

So what tagged every hour also had friend request..
Do u think i even care?
Outside got shuai ge, do u think i even bother or feel anything?
So what i see?
Standing at my direction, everywhere also have..
Nvm i dont know what im talking now..

I'm tired..
It's time for me to rest after all those medication..
I'm stressed enough for studies..

Signing off, Jolene Piglet <3 Ahboy.