I woke up, saw her text, she was going in for her exam.

Eng paper, something easy to start off with.

We texted and I went to prepare for my school.

Before I left, i saw my anniversary gift on the table and I picked it up opened the box and take a look inside. "So sweet...." I thought to myself.

I put the box in my bag and was thinking that...Im bringing her to my sch. ^^ I can show my friends how sweet she is and a wonderful girlfriend

With the box in my bag, throughout the trip to sch, I was very careful not to lie on it while sitting.

Everytime, I zipped my bag open for a drink, I see the box, I feel happy, relax as I know what I was staring at wasn't just a gift but her effort with heart felt words in it.

It brought back memories~ ^^

Wouldn't it be more sweet if I were to see this 5years or 10years later down the road and I thought back to that wonderful day we had.

While in sch, I felt cold, weirdly cold like how a sick person would feel the cold as.

Piglet ended her exams, she texted me, she was sick too but she didn't want to go see doc.

I was worried and tried very hard to persuade her to but she just stubborn.

She got home, I thought that it was good that she did you know? So she could rest, sleep and stuff.

Started late on my assignment which was to render a vaccum.

We got dismissed at 2pm and we went to eat mac. I even told my friend that tmr, I decided to go find her and ask if he wanted to tag along. He said see first.

I was kind of looking forward to it. It is like after so long, I can finally see her. The meeting on saturday was just very unsatisfying...

After lunch, we went back sch to continue my digital rendering.

I got fed up when I did wrong and restarted 2 times.

4pm. I was back in Com lab and rendering.

She suddenly got pissed off at me when I text her a emoticon merely as to just help her relax abit. I was trying to joke around, I wanted to lessen her stress.

But she just got pissed off and nothing I text could undone what I did.

I was a bit sad and didn't quite understand how my emoticon could piss her and hurt her so much.

But at that point of time, I didn't know what I done wrong.

I made a mistake on my rendering and got pissed off that I deleted the whole file and went to youtube to watch some funny videos to calm myself down.

But all that time, I was putting up a strong front in front of my friends....I acted like nothing happened but inside me, I was hurt. Again.

But this time, I didn't know what to do other then just watching videos till my second lesson start.

I texted her a few times hoping for her reply. Every few seconds, I would check my phone hoping for at least a reply.

Each time, I felt vibration going through my nerve, I felt a sudden happy, but each time it was just to disappointment.

My friend called, my mom called and my friends texted me.

I had no mood, I didn't reply to their smses. As I didn't want more disappointment when I feel a vibration.

Time for class, I went to class as usual. Took out my writing material when I saw the I<3Library notepad. Memories immediately flash back to the time when I was in library with her and how I got the notepad.

I took out and saw the coin shading remembering how that time she told me about her childhood where she would take coins and shade them and design a pattern by overlapping them together.

"No, focus!" I jerk myself from sinking in further into depression or sadness.

In the end, I broke down but instead of crying, I laughed.

I remembered telling people before that when I broke down, I usually turn crazy and laugh as it was a habit to neutralise myself from getting sad and cry.

Lecturer was a bit pissed off that I keep laughing randomly even my friends keep asking me why I laughed.

While presenting, I burst out laughing again making a fool of myself.

I went to toilet after that. My footsteps were heavy. I thought a lot to myself.

Came back and wrote down what I felt.

"Im tired...
     Im sick of always trying
           Maybe it is time I give up?
               Maybe I was just not ready?
                   Maybe I can't really give her happiness no matter how much I lied to myself?
                      Im confused
                         I never know it was this difficult for us.
                               Im sad...."

Still each moment, all these while she didn't replied me, I kept on holding to my phone, sliding it up and down hoping for see A NEW MESSAGE message. Hoping my finger was numb and that I didn't felt the vibration at all.

Class ended, I waited for my friends before going home with one of them. I had wanted to go home myself but I didn't want my friends to worry about me.

I tried calling her and had very little hope for her to even pick up.

But I tried anyway.

She finally replied me. I saw the msg, I was confused.

"Why u keep text me. Call me for what. Only u can give me attitude, only u can spoil my mood, only u can make me angry, only u can enjoy life. I sleep till I can't even sleep properly. Treat it as I nth say. No need call me. "

Little do u know, that ur mood affected me. Little do you know that there are times when I felt angry. Little do you know that I seem happy on the outside but not the inside.


Her most recent text "U call me, u text me, u don't think I feel hurt? I just dk how to repl. I not feeling well I text u, u give me that face. Who will like it? Idw to quarrel so I didn't reply. I wanted to reply but idk how to. I can't sleep well. Nvm. Go rest. I won't disturb u anymore. If u want I won't text u from now. You can do whatever u want and like. Bye..."

I was hurt as well...I didn't meant anything when I put tat face at all... I nvr wanted to quarrel. 

I was going home after my rehearsal and saw 2 couples quarreling, arguing heavily. I turned to my friends and laugh at the couple. In my mind, I thought to myself "Hah! That would never happen to me. We're so loving to each other ^^" I laughed too early...

Im sorry tat u didn't sleep well bcos of me. From the start, I keep telling myself never to hurt you and I must be the best. Perhaps my expectation of myself was too high. How would I wont want you to text me >.<  what you saying?

Stop telling me that I can do whatever I want or like...U can freely control me...I told you before, Im ur servant and I listen to you but not this. Stop telling me to do what I like or want. I can't feel that u are caring for me....Although I know u do. But each time u say this to me, u hurt me....

Sry, I didn't reply. Was blogging...

XavierAhboy <3 JolenePigpigpiglet signing off.... Im tired. Im gonna sleep early.